Update

Hope ---- Easier said than done!

HOPE

Justin text me and asked “Now what do we do?”  On Tuesday Mom and Dad called home from the hospital to tell us that the doctors are giving up on Mom!  There’s nothing more they can do!  At first you’re in shock; this can’t be happening!  It’s like some nightmare and you’re going to wake up any second!  Then you start thinking of all the implications.  How are we going to survive without Mom?  Can life ever get better again?  It was a terrible feeling.  I’ve thought a lot about Justin’s question.  My first impulse was to give up. 

We all know that the situation is extremely serious.  We’ve been brought very low!  The pain and emotions are very raw.  All hope is lost . . . or is it?  I’ve been on this rollercoaster ride before.  Things get hard and you start losing hope, but you force yourself to keep going.  Then something worse happens and you are even more devastated, but you force yourself not to give up.  And then the worst news comes and you’re not sure you will be able to recover; it takes all your hope away! 

Now I have two options.  I can remain hopeless, or I can pick myself back up and gather my shattered hope!  Both options have two potential outcomes.  First, without hope I can expect nothing further.  This means I have already been through the hardest part and I can start to accept the situation.  Second, I still have no hope, but things suddenly turn around and I am “pleasantly surprised”.  This one won’t happen because without hope things won’t turn around.  I’ve been taught that you must have hope to have faith and that you must have faith to see a miracle and it’s going to take a miracle to heal Mom. 

So what about option two!  If I force myself to keep hoping and that miracle doesn’t happen, then the devastation may just be too much; the higher your hope, the harder your disappointment.  You can’t imagine how much I fear going through the horror of accepting her death again!  This option is risky, but what if . . . what if I have hope that turns into faith and that faith turns into a miracle?  The happiness would be overwhelming!     

It’s easy to be hopeless.  The worst thing that can happen is you don’t get what you didn’t expect.  On the other hand, having hope is risky.  If you don’t get what you hoped for you will have to suffer the most pain and anguish you’ve ever felt, but if you do get what you hoped for, you will get to feel the most joy and happiness you’ve ever felt. 

So to answer Justin’s question “Now what do we do?”  I chose to hope!!!!!

Rough Road

So Mom had to go into the hospital again.  She was having trouble breathing so Dad took her up yesterday.  She’s had a really rough time lately and I think it’s taking a toll not only physically but mentally.  It’s hard to see her suffer so much.  When she was first diagnosed with cancer we knew it would be a struggle, we knew it would be a fight, we knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard it would be.  This is hard, harder than anything I have ever done.  It’s an emotional, mental and spiritual rollercoaster ride!  I know Mom is discouraged; we’re all discouraged, so pray for her.  We need to keep her positive so she can keep fighting.

Jared Jenkins, CPA - Hopefully!

Yesterday I took the first of four exams that I have to pass to get my CPA license.  I should have been studying for months, but I hadn’t.  This exam was on Auditing, not really my forte.  Albeit, I did get up early and drag myself to the testing center where I was photographed, fingerprinted and forced to take everything out of my pockets in order to start the test!  I guess there are (or were) a lot of cheaters out there!  I think it went better than I had hoped based on the amount of studying I had done, but I’m not sure I received the required 75 score needed to pass the section.  I think my problem was that I was distracted by this weird smell.  It was like someone had made some food at their house and the smell stayed with them.  Finally I figured it out.  The testing center is above Starbucks so I bet I was smelling the coffee!  If I didn’t pass, I’m sure that’s why.  Haha!  Well, anyway, my next test is a few days before Thanksgiving so I’m going to have to do some better studying!

Am I Going Crazy?

So I drive to work this morning and park my car on the street next to the Ogden Temple. There was some garbage in the cup holders and the little trash tray, so I decide that I am going to take it with me and throw it away. I also had a folder with some papers in it. So I get out of my car and realize that I don’t have my keys! First I think “Oh, I must have left them in the ignition”, so I check there. Nope, not there! So I think “Oh, they must be in my pocket already”, so I check there. Nope, not there! So I think “hmmm, maybe I put them in my coat pocket” so I check all my coat pockets and still nothing. I think “I must have dropped them in the car”, so I put down my folder on the passenger seat and stick my garbage in my coat pocket.

I start looking through my car thinking that I just dropped them between my console and my seat. Nothing! Maybe it’s between the passenger seat and the console. Nothing! I look under the seats, behind the seats, in the cup holders, on the floor, under the floor mats! Nothing! So I check my pockets again, Nothing! Maybe I dropped them outside the car? Nope, not there! At this point I’m thinking to myself that I must be going crazy! The keys couldn’t have just disappeared! Somehow I got to work and I know that I have to have had the keys to do that! So I give a quick prayer, thinking that the Lord can help me find my keys.

So I start searching the car again. Here I am sitting on the side of the road with my doors open searching all over my car. I’m looking in places that I know it couldn’t be, but I’m thinking to myself “Maybe I zoned out for a minute and don’t remember myself getting into the trunk???” I mean, where could these keys be? I still can’t find them. So I give a more fervent prayer this time, I need these keys! I don’t have a spare set, how am I going to get home? I’m not leaving my doors unlocked in Ogden while I go to work, but I can’t lock the doors because I know the keys must be in there!

So I start my search again. I pulling up mats and looking under everything, sticking my hands into the little cracks and crevasses! I even cut my hand sticking it under the chair thinking that maybe it slipped under there! I try my pockets a third time, I look under my car! I can’t find my keys anywhere! At this point I’m freaking out a little! I question my sanity! Maybe I somehow started my car without the keys? Maybe someone mugged me and I already blocked the memory out because it was too traumatic? Maybe the keys are in my pocket buy I’m going insane and so I don’t know they’re there! So I sit down in the driver seat and pray harder. I know the keys have to be here somewhere!

Finally 30 minutes after it all began, I lift up the top of the folder sitting on the passenger seat and there they are! My keys are sitting on top of the papers! Oh thank you Heavenly Father! I didn’t make a meeting that I was supposed to at 9:00, and I’m not quite sure why, but I have a feeling that maybe I wasn’t supposed to go to that meeting.